I have decided to take the next few weeks, or months, to sit in and become deeply acquainted with the fear that shows up in my life.
Why? Because I no longer want it to be the driver of my life. As well, after a conversation with Caroline Myss last week, where I asked her why my life felt so hard, she suggested I needed to take more risks…that I needed to look at where I was most afraid and step into this fear.
So here goes.
The deepest fear I have been living with that has been exacerbated these last 2 years is around the fear of income flow, or lack of it. The fear of lack.
Every Monday morning…that would be now, I am supposed to sit down and do all my banking, pay bills, look at income, cash flow, etc. I hate it. I procrastinate. I am afraid. The ‘not enough’ and scarcity drives me.
What exactly am I afraid of?
I am afraid that there is not enough. That I will pay the bills and then there will not be enough. That when there is not enough I will become paralysed with fear. That I might have to ask for help, or reveal myself as not being capable, or able, or smart enough, or good enough, to make an income. That I cannot support myself. I fear the lack of flow. As I write these words and sit in the fear, I feel slightly sick in the stomach. This part of me that feels completely responsible to generate the income, to get back out there and generate, and do it again, and again. And yet I am good at it. I am very creative. I love creativity. I love generating. It is the need to generate to create money that I dislike. Its the pressure to need to actually generate money, this is what exhausts me. It feeds right back into life is hard, making money is hard.
More reflection, some days later.
The burden to create is a big fear. The key word is burden. I love creativity. There is also an element that feels that I am being punished…for what I have no idea. And some ‘poor me’ victim. ‘Why me?” Why is life hard for me? Why do other people seem to get it easy?
There is an element that is about being alone, doing it alone, going it alone…’Dear God, why have you forsaken me?” Then I get angry. I feel let down. “Goddammit I have done all this work on my interior, and here it is again. STILL!!! How much blood do you want from me? How much do you want me to give?”
Last night before bed I prayed and asked for clear direction. As I was driving to my run this morning, listening to a random audio that I download from multiple places, the message was clear. I need to give more. BUT…and this is a big but, the way I give is very important. I need to give from abundance, and light, and without a single thought to get something. I need to give because it is spontaneously arousable within me. I need to give from infinite supply. Sure I have given in the past, but often there has been an energy to my giving which has been about wanting to get. And when I give from this energy, I get resentful. I need to show up from a place of infinite supply. Rather than carrying this energy around that is deeply rooted in lack.
The practice is to give something every day, purely as an act of giving. If I were really ready to take a risk, as Caroline suggested, then I would give money every day. Random acts of kindness, for example.
Going even deeper….
At the very base of my fear is the thought that something is wrong with me and God has abandoned me. And a deep sense of disappointment that if I risk again I will again, be disappointed.
I feel a victim to God. Yet for years I have been teaching about the powerlessness that is a partner to the state of victim hood. This then raises the question, where have I abandoned myself? Where do I abandon myself? This question will require further study.
And because my deeper knowing knows that it is not true…there is nothing wrong with me and God has not abandoned me, that this is some belief I created a long time ago as a fractal of an experience I cannot even now recall, what do I need to tell myself when I am feeling this powerlessness?
As I was running in the forest this morning, this inner dialogue unfolded…and the words I need to speak to myself when I am feeling this fear goes something like this.
“I am here for you. Always. Always have been, always will be. Be still, listen, and trust.”
“I am” is a Universal “I am.” God, the Universe, me, everything.
And I thought about the 17 years I lived deep in the grip of a psychological eating disorder. How it ruled my life. And then one day I just said ENOUGH. Occasionally the remnants of this beast comes back, but I know how to banish it, again, from my existence. If I can do that around my eating, I can do this around my fear of income flow, work, value.
And I know how to live in flow. I do this in my work, my writing, and around my food. It is a matter of respect and attention. And trust. I trust that when I coach I am connected. When I write, I have no idea what words will happen next, where they will come from. When I teach, the same. I know that there is an infinite source, and infinite supply. I knew this when I first became a mother. I just had to relax into my own wisdom. Trust myself. It is a skill I have learned as an athlete. To know the difference between flow, and pushing.
Yet in my allowing and receiving, and my larger context of work, it has felt like I have been disconnected and out of flow. Yet I truly know how to do this…why would the principles be different?
First to be aware of the fear and contraction. Then to affirm the truth. “I am here for you.” Over and over. Listen and trust. And have zero expectations of what happens next, just like I do when I coach, facilitate, teach, write…Give up the thought that if I do this, I will get that…I hold an intention, but the intention is based on giving. In my coaching the intention is on the other…for me to facilitate the highest level of emancipation within the human spirit I am capable of. In my writing my intention is to share my experiences in a way that allows others the ability to find their own truth. In my facilitation we usually have an agreed intention, and a part of that for me, is again, the emancipation of the human spirit. In my parenting, the intention was always to create environments where my daughters true nature was allowed healthy expression.
The intention I hold in my work is the emancipation if the human spirit. I do this in several ways…by allowing different perspectives to become evident; by bringing light to truth; and by being the demonstration of everything I say, do, teach, believe.
So I have my intention, and my fear diminishing mantra, and then I listen, and trust, knowing that there is infinite supply. And move from this place, not expecting anything. Moving with what is spontaneously arousable within me.
This and a daily practice of giving from infinite supply, in a completely unattached way.