In my vulnerability I become invulnerable…
These words are from A Course in Miracles, and they have been a guiding light for how I show up in the world, and in this blog.
When I have nothing to hide…no dark places…no deep shame…no place I do not want you to see, or anyone else…when I am completely vulnerable, I am no longer able to be attacked… or ridiculed… or humiliated.
I also am deeply inspired to write these blogs because I have a deep sense that the more I share of my true vulnerability and humanness (messy and flawed), the more I allow you, the reader, to be your messy flawed human self without so much self judgement. It is my hope that you are brought closer to your own beautiful imperfection and grace through the words I write.
I spent some time in dialogue this morning with the extraordinary and beautiful Cynthia. Cynthia and I met 12 months ago in Brazil. I liked her immediately we met. Since that time we have spent hours every week or so on skype, and the more time I spend with her the more I love her, like her, respect her. This week I put my hand up for support from Cynthia. I needed her wisdom, her grace and her skills to help me with an age old issue of mine that simply must be transmuted if I want the next decade of my life to be wildly and deliciously different than the last.
Long time readers will know me as someone who sees the world as the glass mostly full..I am positive, upbeat, able to laugh at myself and most things. Yet deep inside I have lived with some core stories about myself…like…I am not enough. There is not enough. Life is hard. It is hard. There is another thread of being alone, but this one I am more at peace with, as aloneness is something I enjoy. I rarely feel lonely.
Since I became a mum, nearly 20 years ago, I have felt a burden. A huge burden…the metaphor is Sisyphuss, symbolised in mythology as a man pushing a heavy rock up an eternal mountain, always falling back down every time he nearly made it to the top. Zeus was determined to keep Sisyphus in eternal frustration as a punishment for his hubris. (Yes, I admit to some hubris…centred around a behaviour that I am better than…very similar to the Sisyphus story.)
I am daily blessed for the gift of my daughter. She cracked opened my heart, and our relationship is one of deep love, respect, understanding, friendship and beauty. And yet I have felt this burden, this responsibility to be the provider, the stalwart, the mother, father. The soloist in this journey. Simultaneously, I have desired to build a career, and in so doing seek success.
It has not been an easy path, and for most of it I have felt like it has always been a struggle to make ends meet. In this next decade and beyond of my life I want the experience of plenty, flow, abundance, enough. I want deeply to be connected to source. I question if I am doing something wrong? Mostly I question if I am doing something wrong as I have a recognition of my value offering. What am I doing wrong? Or what is wrong with me?
Cynthia asked me to remember times when I have felt in the flow, connected deeply to source, where there was no effort, enough, plenty, abundance.
We found three places….
….in my writing…when I get out of my head and into my heart in my writing and do not edit, think about getting it right, or make it too intellectual.
…when I teach or facilitate in the moment…what I call group coaching…it is a very dynamic, purely emergent space, where all rules and structures are thrown away and I have to wing it…literally on the wing of a prayer…in total surrender…
…when I coach…listening truly to the other until I as “I” do not exist….
Hmmm…I had never connected the dot that I was in ease, flow, abundance and grace in these places…(the blinding flash of the obvious, or…God’s kosmic joke)
My task for this week is to be present to these states of flow as me being connected to source. To really recognise them, and integrate and embody the experience of connection.
The journey over the next few weeks and months is to bring this state into my life more and more. Not to discard the masculine strategist, planner, goal setter, achiever self for it is useful and necessary, but I have been living the majority of my life with this aspect dominating…but to delegate Sisyphus to the back room, eventually to let him rest in peace. Really rest….what a joy that will be.