Valentines day for me is 365 days of the year

Like most people of a certain age I have had my heart broken more than once.

I look back at my life in love with others. 

From those desperate grabs of idolisation as a teenager. All my hopes and dreams pinned on this beautiful mythical other holding me as the most precious human in the world. Never seeing the person for a human, rather the image of them as I saw and wanted them to be.

To being betrayed…more than once.

To my desires to be rescued by the strong man as life became too hard. (Name the rescue…strong, financial, famous…we all have our weaknesses.)

To a marriage, becoming a parent and divorce. Fortunately to a good man.

To sex as a grab for intimacy even though intimacy can never be achieved through sex alone.

To being seduced by ‘too-good-to-be-true’. Learning that seduction is always the foil for too-good-to-be-true.

To walking the field of love with someone with bipolar, the conversations about death, dying and choosing life..or not, an everyday event.

Finally deciding that I needed to find myself in amongst all of this projection of my hopes and dreams on another.

Who am I? 

What do I have to say and do?

What do I care about? 

What makes me happy?

Spending 13 years in celibacy. Deliberately choosing that I wanted first to be happy with myself, to love and like myself, to be joyous in my own company. 

I didn’t choose the time frame. I did commit to not compromising on what eventually became a very happy life as a single woman. Why give up this for anything that did not add more to what was already good?

And then my love walked into my life. No date, no fumbling, no effort. A casual conversation that became a friendship that became love over more than 9 months.

My best friend. My playmate. My adventure buddy. My lover. My companion. My love.

Valentine’s day for me is 365 days of the year. 

My wish is everyone might know this type of love.

Photo taken February 14th 2022

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