My mother, the wonderful spiritual astrologer, Ashtara, is usually the person I call when the Universe seems to be heckling my spirit.
Friday last week I woke feeling very trapped. For the last 16 years I have allowed myself to fall down the very icky rabbit hole of debt. In the last 4 years I have been cleaning up my relationship to money. I only pay cash, I only spend what I have, I pay my bills when they come in, and I spend very little on anything but the essentials. I keep a record of income, money owed to me, and my debt payments. I keep a relationship with my debtors. As I am self employed, my monthly income is not fixed. When there is little money, I don’t get paid. While I have been reforming my money habits on the exterior, I have also been working to learn the greater money system, which is a very complex subject.
Of late my income has dipped precipitously. Intuitively I feel like I am being pushed (shoved) into my next iteration. However I am in the corridor between the door that is closing and the one that hasn’t yet fully opened. It is at time, quite scary. I wobble between huge bursts of activity, the feeling of being trapped, and a sense that I must STOP. Stop? Stop? How can I stop. I have to work to emerge through emergency. I must do, and do and do some more.
When I called my favourite astrologer last week, I said to her …I feel trapped. I can’t move, I can’t breath.
We talked. She said it was time for me to do the work on the balancing of my masculine and feminine. I have strong masculine energy. Doing, and action, and driving is my default pattern.
I need to find the feminine. Trouble is, I am not sure how to. A friend said bubble baths. Ughh!!! Or a pedicure. Another ughh!. Aware that taking the time for one of these events is not the long term answer, I am really at a loss. How do I cultivate the feminine as a full time way of being, instead of just a short term exercise?
After years of being on my own, building a career, managing parenting, I am completely out of touch with the feminine side. My idea of luxury is reading a Vogue magazine for 20 minutes in the evening over dinner while watching world news. Or a Sunday on the couch after a long run lost in a good book. Mind you, I do this rarely.
I need help. I need your advise? How do I bring the feminine into my life?