Touching the humanity of the perpetrator

The first step of the 7 Step Process of how to speak the radical truth with compassion – a central tool of the Dare to Care Workshop – is to ask ourselves what we want for the other – the person with whom we are angry or the person|people who have harmed us or our loved ones. (This can be in current time, or it can be in considering harm done over an arc of time.)

The answer must be something good, true and beautiful. For them. In sincerity.

If we cannot touch their humanity, then we need to return to our inner work, untangling raging seas of hate, contempt, fear and heartbreak towards them.

It is hard work. It is fierce work. It requires a commitment to end violence.

Because if we cannot hold people to account for egregious acts and touch|sense their humanity, then we descend into violence. The victim becomes the perpetrator.

It can take months, years or decades to find a clearing within where we can honour the humanity in the perpetrator, to give them the context of understanding. 

Oh, we might ask. I am exhausted. The perpetration has been endless, or so cruel, I can hardly breathe. Why is it up to me to heal and forgive the perpetrator? Why does that burden fall on my shoulders? Where is their responsibility?

This question, while understandable, relinquishes our agency to lead change, handing power to the perpetrator and the circumstances that enable it. In choosing to do nothing or stay within our fester, we also bed down with the victim within. When we remain in this place, we keep the cycle of abuse alive. We remain trapped.

Yes, it takes effort. But the result is not just healing. It is freedom. It is the only way to end violence. It is the only way to live whole.

When we are dealing with systemic injustice, when we are relentlessly persecuted, we might find our community of justice warriors and Syntropic practitioners. Together we can face what alone feels impossible. 

It is the only way.  

Photo May 20th 2025, Article written May 20th 2025