When we give away our agency
For the last few months, my learn-to-surf journey has taken a downward turn. For no apparent reason.
As someone with a lifetime habit of looking at all aspects of my life without separation, I have found my daily sport to be a place of profound self-awareness, awareness that can be used across the full spectrum of my day and work.
To catch a wave, in conditions that change from wave to wave to day to day, is about timing. The power of your paddle, the angle of the board, the type of wave, the tide, how you push up, where you are positioned on the board and then how you pop up, all are decisions to be made in the space of seconds. Add to this a busy line-up, with many other surfers competing for the same wave, and it can feel very overwhelming and frustrating to the point of failure.
For the last few months, my thinking has been trapped in the – something is wrong with me – loop. This loop squeezes out all other thoughts. That little dominating voice, like all dominating voices, likes the sound of itself. Which means I cannot hear anything else.
To the point I was close to quitting. Submission to the dominating voice is never a good idea. The act edifies domination and diminishes the dominated. The essence of what is really wrong in so many areas of geopolitics. Found here, living in my head. A fractal within a fractal.
Today I decided to kick the dominating voice out of the ocean. You do not belong here. Indeed, you do not belong anywhere, for you only gain traction through our permission.
I also slowed my thinking down. It can get very rushed when trying to catch a wave.
What I noticed instead were all the little micro-errors, the ones my coach had been telling me about for years. I noticed that I wasn’t pushing the rail of the board into the direction of the wave. I noticed how I slowed down my paddle power too soon.
It suddenly dawned on me that if I pay attention to the immediate now, to learning, refining and understanding the process, with commitment and perseverance, I will get this.
There is a powerful lesson here. When we give away our agency, even to our own ratbag-dominating, critical ‘never-good-enough’ part of ourselves, we are diminished, trapped in a down cycle that only serves the interests of those who desire us to be diminished.
I sense that if I stay on my path of learning, in the present moment, soon many of the pieces will click into place and I will make one of those leaps.
It is often how we learn and grow, crossing the threshold to a higher order.
Published August 3rd 2026. Photo taken August 3rd 2022
